seeing starz!
2004-09-29

I have to update instead of taking care of my basic needs, because I have to tell the world about my brush with the stars. Hold your breath and clench your sphincter, because this will blow you away:

I SAW PAULY SHORE!

OK, go clean yourself up and then come back and read the rest of the story. IF YOU CAN HANDLE IT.

C., my coworker, had some free tickets to a movie screening which turned out to be Pauly Shore's new opus, "Pauly Shore is Dead." He isn't, by the way, because I SAW HIM LIVE AND IN PERSON. Anyway I trekked through the rain to stand in line for an hour to see this movie. Finally we're let into the theatre, which is pretty empty for something that is, after all, being offered for free. There's a notice at the door stating that there's going to be a television taping at the showing and everyone better be ok with that going in etc etc. So I could tell that this was going to be important. After all, it was the premiere of "Pauly Shore is Dead"!

The people who did show up were either talking about their agencies or sporting Mr. T style chains. At first it seemed innocuous, just like the show was being sponsored by the letters B & T, but the last guys to come in were these heavy looking all out Soprano types who all sat in the back.

After the Godfathers came in, the lights went down, and suddenly - IN CAME PAULY SHORE!

It was the most fucking ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my life. It was the premiere of this guy's movie, and the theater was half-full, and they were showing the damn thing two more times in the USA. Evidently Pauly wrote the thing, and directed it, and raised all the money except for the last bit - and he thanks his investors, who happen to be Tony and friends in the back. Pauly apologizes for forgetting to put their credit on the movie, but that would have been an extra $1000. You better apologize, Pauly.

The movie itself was - well, I never gave a fuck about Pauly Shore in the first place. But now I can see why people hated him, so it's like now I can see into the past and understand it. It's kind of like an episode of "I Love the 90s," because you can see Matt Pinfield and Perry Ferrell and Rico Suave and Slater from Saved By the Bell. But you also have to see Pauly Shore whacking off. Anyway, a body double for Rupert from Survivor plays Sam Kinison who descends from heaven and tells Pauly to off himself, and then Pauly fakes his death, and then he goes to jail, but then he learns to love himself and so on. And he rides a mechanical bull! God, I can't really remember much of the thing.

Poor Pauly, he's an easy target and his movie was chock full of celebrity cameos! And it was free, and you can get it on DVD in January if you miss one of the three showings in the USA, by the way. On the way out Pauly was doing an interview with something or other but I passed by because I didn't want to be on the video by any chance. So I missed what he said and maybe it was very insightful and interesting. In any case whatever Pauly did in his career, it couldn't be any worse than this.