vote Bush or DIE!
2004-10-27

The good people of Slate have told us who they're planning to vote for this year. Not surprisingly, Kerry stomps Bush's ass to the floor. Unfortunately, looking at the opinions of an overwhelming pro-Kerry crowd, they reveal the keys to their own defeat. Bush will win.

None of the Kerry supporters actually like the man, many of them qualifying their pro-Kerry statements with "but I'd rather hang out with Bush." Most of them say Kerry would make a mediocre president. The word "pompous" pops up a lot. Timothy Noah goes so far as to suggest that Kerry went to Vietnam because he's a huge famewhore who wants people to look at him, dammit. Out of a long list of Kerry voters, only one or two are voting for him because they believe he'll do well as president. They're voting for him because they believe Bush will do worse.

On the other hand, we have the few Bush supporters. They don't like Bush that much, just like the Kerry supporters don't like Kerry very much. But Bush has one thing that Kerry doesn't have:

The fear of death!

Unlike the Kerry supporters, Bush people aren't voting because they want to keep America's secular humanist system from ruin, preserve a woman's right to choose, etc. They're voting because they literally believe that if Kerry is elected, they're going to die.

Of course, there are people who vote for Bush because they genuinely agree with his positions. But a hell of a lot of people are going to get into that voting booth and vote Bush because they're scared. It's masterful, because firey death trumps pretty much everything else on the issues list. I mean, you don't need health care or job creation after a terrorist blows up your house (probably right after he rapes your wife and dog). I've spoken to people about this, and they tell me that even though they disagree with Bush on every single social issue they're voting for him because "Kerry will cut the military." When I tell them that if Bush is reelected every single thing they believe in will be systematically dismantled, it still doesn't matter because, hey, at least they won't be dead at the hands of the swarthy.

Kerry's supporters may really, really hate Bush to make up for really, really hating Kerry as well. But they're going to lose because they 1. hate themselves and 2. if you vote for Kerry, terrorists will cut off your head and as it leaves your body you will feel a powerful pang of regret that you didn't vote for Bush. Maybe you'd even verbalize your regret, because lips can move on a cut-off head for a few moments. Anyway, you'll die if you vote for Kerry.*

*Disclaimer: Everybody dies, but if you vote for Kerry you'll die some horrible way very, very soon. Like wild, terrorist dogs chewing off your leg. We mean it.