I, political analyst
2004-11-03

A lot of people are sick with despair this morning, basically because despite their best efforts they were utterly defeated. But by who? Who would vote for Bush? Why? Now I will tell you why, based on my education which gives me a deep insight into the American psyche and also only cost me only $7000 a year on state tuition. Get ready to bask in knowledge, people.

The three reasons:

- [b]Fear[/b]. Many voters felt that Bush was better on keeping them from dying in a violent manner. That's a pretty solid argument.

- [b]Religion[/b]. A great deal of people are genuinely religious and believe all sorts of things that others might feel are strange, like parts of the book of Leviticus. A lot of people think that the religious are just yahoos, but they actually are living in a complex symbolic world that others just can't comprehend. Mainly this complex symbolic world looks like a Jerry Bruckheimer movie with Bible parts thrown in, but Bush has something to do with it.

- [b]The "spite" vote[/b]. This is a debatable label, but there are voters out there who aren't particularly religious and who would have voted for Bush whether or not terrorists were running around with guns and bombs. These are the people who are always complaining about liberals, queers, the French, etc. These guys need an enemy, because they have problems that they have to project onto others. Note that none of their enemies will ever be a remote threat to their actual way of life. But as long as there's a label on it, they'll go after it - from their couch, if nowhere else.

Of course, not every Republican voter goes neatly in each category. Most are probably some blend of the three, and a few may not fit in every category at all. But when you get these three mighty groups together, their fear and anger can conquer the world.

Here's some cool awesome things about Republican mastery! (By the way, if you don't agree with me, all your family members will die in a nasty manner involving swarthy men and great balls of flame. You asked for it, liberal!)

- America now protected by overreaching hand of God, so nothing bad will ever happen again.
- "Gay" acceptable as adjective again, "hella gay" under consideration.
- Cuts in government aid will get certain family members out of the house and into the jail, so they'll stop beating their mommas.
- I was jealous of a Midwestern friend because she had a bigger apartment than I did. But now, because the majority of my sexual contacts have been with men, I have more rights as a human being than she does! Take [i]that[/i], bitch!