i really just want a goal in life
2005-09-02

I think I'm going to apply for grad school based on G.'s description of it, what with all the classes she loves and the Washington Post reading and Morning Edition listening. And her roommates who from what I know of them have all sorts of conversations both whimsical and deep. Meanwhile I get to write articles about horrible old people diseases and listen to the girl in the next cubicle over talk about the time she went to Italy. And my roommate loves to talk about how some actors resemble other actors and watch reruns of "Everybody Loves Raymond."

I have to keep telling myself I'll piss away my life no matter where I am or what I'm doing, so I can at least save myself $40,000. Plus I'm not G., who can write in something other than the "consumer voice" and has self-control, which in and of itself can be used for good or evil, but at least it's there. I am myself and increasingly I find that I don't have much to work with.

Maybe I should find religion, only women never get to do the fun things like preach or blow shit up, only sit around and clean up after their endless string of dirty children. I could do that as a complete atheist and at least I wouldn't have to wake up early on Sundays.