braniff believe it
2006-01-11

we both think Pat Robertson is hilarious. I know that before I thought he was evil, but that was before he started damning towns every other week and just generally bringing down the wrath of god on everything and everyone. Now he's lost $50 million for saying that Ariel Sharon's stroke was a direct slam to the brainpan from God. The man was planning to build a 35 acre Jesusland on the shores of the Galilee, complete with a free lease! And now he's lost it all!

He'll probably get it back, once Sharon dies/ is shuffled off to the Holy Land equivalent of Shady Pines. The Israeli government needs those suckers - I mean Christians - to spend their money in-country.* Whatever, it's better than making a buck off of child soldiers, so I shouldn't criticize.

The real problem is not that Robertson was talking shit, it's that he was talking shit after the fact. Whenever Pat starts talking about God's upcoming wrath (as opposed to God's already-unleashed wrath), he never seems to get it right.

What about all the people in Dover who were told by God (through Pat) "don't come a'knockin if this van's a'rockin"? Well, only the first part, because God doesn't approve of illicit sex in a van. But they were still told that God has his mighty back turned towards them and should they bother praying (heathens) he has his mighty fingers stuck firmly in his ears. When will this be proved?

And what about all those fags at Disney World? When will their impurity be cleansed from this earth by a collapsing Space Mountain or a direct lightening hit to Small World? It hasn't happened yet and Pat was talking about that shit years ago.

I command you to bring it, Pat! In the words of great literary genius James Frey you need to throw down!

* Long, long ago (ok, a few years ago) on a tour of the very region where Robertson wants to build his Christian Heritage Center, we went through some museum that claimed to have Christ's boat, at least when Christians came through. The tour guide, seeing that we were Jews, pointed it out: "Christians think that's Christ's boat. But that's a load of bullshit."

Then I threw up in the boat and fought the Mossad.

Just had a fight with my roommate over James Frey. She's with Oprah - a book's okay if it inspired somebody to change their life. My reaction is WHAT THE FUCK THE MAN MADE UP THE ENTIRE STORY! Plus he described a beaver as a "fat otter"! For real!

As far as I'm concerned, if he gets to get away with it, there should just be a general amnesty on spoiled rich folk. Like, I dated a drug dealer (junior high boyfriend was "growing pot" in a Dixie Cup) and also I smoked crack and participated in an orgy!

Any other junkie whores out there? Come on, by Frey's standard, you'd practically have to be a nun not to be.